Eyewitnesses on Sea Point Promenade this morning swear they spotted The Donald himself — red cap slightly tilted against the South-Easter, golf shirt tucked into chinos, doing that signature power stroll while dodging rollerbladers and seagulls.
Sources close to the ice-cream vendors say Trump paused mid-bite of a double-thick vanilla (extra sprinkles, obviously), looked out over the Atlantic and declared:
“Cupcake Cyril’s shenanigans? Pathetic. Weak. Low energy. No way I’m letting that guy outdo me. I’m here to throw my FULL SUPPORT behind the VF Plus! We’re gonna make South Africa YUGE again. Believe me. The best self-determination, the most territorial, nobody does minority rights like us folks. Fantastic people, the VF. Tremendous!”
He then allegedly high-fived a confused Springbok supporter, told a nearby vendor “This promenade? Tremendous. But we’re gonna build a wall… against load-shedding. And the fish will pay for it,” before hopping into a waiting golf cart and speeding off towards Bantry Bay yelling “Make the Rand Great Again!”
Local tannie reaction: “Ag shame, he looks just like on TV… but shorter in real life. And why is he supporting the VF? I thought he was team ANC-GNU?”
VF Plus HQ reportedly already printing new posters: TRUMP 2026 — Because Even America Thinks We Need More Freedom Front.
Cupcake Cyril’s office has declined to comment, but insiders say he’s stress-eating actual cupcakes in the Union Buildings right now.
Only in South Africa, folks. Only in South Africa.
